I experienced my first miscarriage during my first pregnancy in 2018. I learned that I was pregnant in February 2018 and was immediately filled with love, joy and excitement. I was excited because my husband and I decided that we wanted to extend our family during our new year planning so it felt like a dream come true. It brought me joy because in January 2018, I lost one of my closest friends to a car accident. That sudden and unexpected loss broke me to the core and I found myself sad, uninterested in anything, and just overall filled with grief. After losing my friend, the new year seemed to take a turn for the worst and I was no longer thinking about my resolutions or things that I planned. So when I saw a positive pregnancy test, I felt like maybe there was some hope for this year after all. I scheduled my doctor appointment and learned that my original OBGYN was out on maternity leave and for me that was a bummer because I adore being her patient, but I went ahead and scheduled with another OBGYN.
The Calm Before the Storm
As the days were leading to the appointment, I was excited. I felt pregnant. I was fatigued, gassy, experienced food diversions, I could smell any and everything no matter how far I was from it, and I felt hungry all the time. For me, this was it, I was growing a healthy baby. We went to our first OBGYN appointment and because this was my first pregnancy, I didn’t know what to expect. We went into the office and the medical assistant (who was pregnant and beautifully glowing) took me to the ultrasound room where I laid down and let the ultrasound tech begin to poke around. And then I saw it clear as day, there were two separate sacs and me and my husband looked at each other so excited and said it looks like twins! But for some reason the ultrasound tech did not join into our excitement and just kept probing around. My husband began to ask her questions just to clarify that we saw twins and her response was short as she let us know that the doctor would fill us in on the specifics of the ultrasound. That didn’t feel right, but I knew what I saw and was ready to hear from the doctor. I mean this was my first time ever having an ultrasound done so maybe that’s just how it works.
The Storm Began
As we rushed over to the doctor’s office, she sat us down and told us that the ultrasound did show twins and that we were spot on. But then came the news that I never even considered hearing…. “There was no heartbeat and they were only measuring to be 7 weeks when they should be closer to 10”. The room seemed to start spinning and my heartbeat began to race. I could feel my husband hugging me and squeezing my hand, but it felt like the air was being sucked out of the room and as if I was there alone. I quickly asked the doctor what that meant and if something could be done. She let me know that I was likely going through a miscarriage and that the pregnancy was not developing and that they could take blood weekly to measure my HCG level to confirm if this was the case. I didn’t understand. I still felt pregnant. I had not bled or anything that would make me think I miscarried.
I went on to learn that it was a missed miscarriage and a blighted ovum. She explained that this was a common occurrence and that 1 in 4 women could experience miscarriage, but for me it didn’t seem like this was “common”. How was it common when I had never really heard of it outside of a movie scene. I didn’t know anyone personally that experienced that. Was something wrong with me? Could I possibly not be able to have children? I was only 27 at the time so maybe it was my husband’s fault. All of this went through my head as I then felt a need to understand why this happened because it “commonly” happens was not good enough for me.
I held out hope that maybe the doctor was wrong because I still haven’t experienced any sign of miscarriage. I looked at several online boards and would get excited when I saw a post about a successful heartbeat scan after previously being told there was no heartbeat. I really held out hope and had faith that I would also be an exception because I just could not accept what I had been told, especially because I still felt pregnant. But then it happened. Exactly 4 weeks after my first appointment, I began to cramp and shortly after, the spotting began. The terror of what was happening sunk in and immediately became hopeless and was filled with sorrow. I felt like a failure. My body had failed me, my heart felt torn, and the physical pain cramping was unbelievable. As my body began to pass clots that were bigger than I had ever seen, I felt like I was being punished. What could I have done to deserve this? My emotions became a mix of anger and sadness. I felt like I didn’t deserve this because I have always given my best and treated people well, so none of this even made sense to me.
What I learned in the midst of the storm….
In retrospect, I realize that I went through a traumatizing experience. The actual miscarriage started in mid April, and because it was a twin loss, the cramps were very painful and the bleeding lasted around 14 days. My cycle returned 6 weeks later but was abnormally regulated until later that year. My cycle is usually 28 days and lasts 4-5 days like clock work, but after the miscarriage, I never knew when to expect it. It could be 40 days, 30, or even 26. I didn’t get back to normal until December of that year. No one really knew how to comfort me because there really wasn’t anything that could be said to make me feel better. I was easily hurt when people would say things like “ it’s just something women go through” or “ just try again and you’ll forget about it”, but I never let them know how it made me feel because I knew that they meant well.
I spent the rest of 2018 feeling depressed over the losses and I knew I needed to get myself together. In November, I began to work out to shed the pounds I gained, I limited my sugar intake because I developed a sweet tooth during my time of grief, and I began to be intentional about trying again. When I say intentional, I not only mean the act, but I devoted myself to praying and reading the Bible because I know someone in the Bible had experienced something similar to what I felt. And I knew that only God could heal my heart and restore me in the face of despair.
Growing, despite the storm
I remember going to a local Christian Bookstore and there on the table sat a Bible for Women, and it was on sale. I picked up the Bible and loved how it had synopsis and messages, so I took it home and decided that I was going to figure out what women had done when they were trusting God for child. Again, no one in my family had experienced a miscarriage and other than Beyonce’, Michelle Obama, and the internet post that I read and saw on Youtube, I didn’t personally know any one in my family that I experience it that I could talk to. When I sat down and began to read the Bible, I asked God to lead me where I should go, and he led me directly to the first book of Samuel. The book of Samuel blew me away. It was about a woman who prayed to God for a son and yes, as a result God blessed her with a son and she devoted the child back to God. I am simplifying it here, but Hannah was taunted for being childless and experienced sadness and grief. She steadily prayed and worshiped and believed that God would give her a son, and he did just that
So I tapped into Hannah’s method. I prayed and asked God for a daughter, and I worshiped despite my grief. Since 2019 was coming, I made a vision board and placed a picture of a woman working out with her daughter, a few baby girl dresses, and boldly I cut out the word November and pasted it on top of the section by the baby girl. My relationship with God felt so much more intimate the more that I prayed and spent time reading my bible. I felt more confident in my faith and I realized that all things that have happened in my life would work for my good, if I let it. And in doing that, the hurt in my heart began to heal, and I didn’t grieve with sorrow, but instead the sorrow was replaced with unshakable hope. I now know that it was not anyone’s fault and my body did not fail me. I know that because I believe I am a good person, I am not exempt from troubles because after all, I would not want anyone to experience a pregnancy loss. I know that God gives graciously and will not withhold good things from me, so I stayed in position and trusted him.
In October 2019, I gave birth to my daughter. I was overcome with more love and joy than I could ever imagine. But the pain of my miscarriage is still dear to my hear. My twins would have been turning 1 at the time that my daughter was born, but I know that they are still with me.