5 Ways to Honor Women who have Miscarried on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is set aside to honor and celebrate moms for all of their hard work, dedication, and unconditional love. Every person celebrates the day differently depending on their circumstances. It is traditionally celebrated with dinner for mom, or a bittersweet visit to a gravesite. Some do not celebrate at all because they have a strained relationship with their mom. Regardless of the circumstances, we are all born from a mother and hold our own regard for the day. Mother’s Day can be triggering for women who have miscarried because it it is a reminder of our loss.

In 2018,  I miscarried twins in the latter part of April, so when Mother’s Day came, my grief felt unbearable. My focus during that day was more about the lives that I carried and the emptiness left behind due to my loss. I only shared news about my pregnancy to close family, but I realized how quickly word spread. On that Mother’s Day, I received about a dozen “Happy Mother’s Day” texts from people who I know I never told.

Those texts hurt me because they reminded me of my loss. But in a strange way, they helped because they validated how I felt. It felt good to know that someone knew about my babies. On the contrary, people who were close to me and knew about the miscarriage seemed to shy away from me. Not in a “ I don’t want to deal with her ”, kinda way, but more of a, “I’m uncomfortable and don’t know what to say, so I’ll just avoid her” kinda way.

The Truth about Miscarriage

Let’s be honest, many people do not consider women who have miscarried to be mothers. Miscarriage is the loss of a embryo or fetus before the 20 week mark of pregnancy. Many don’t consider a woman who miscarries to be a mom even though she has carried a life. As a result women who have experienced pregnancy loss are not comforted like others who experience loss.

As a woman who has experienced recurrent pregnancy loss, I can assure you that pregnancy loss has brought grief that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I think about my angel babies everyday and love them as much as I did when I found out that I was pregnant. My truth is that I am also a mother to angel babies because I carried babies who passed away before they were born. I physically felt the pain of miscarriage. I emotionally feel the emptiness since they are gone. But I love them through all of it. So whether it is validated by others or not, it’s what happened, it’s real, and it’s the truth.

I am so grateful to have a support system that understands and comforts me. My prayer is to encourage others to support women who have experienced miscarriage. Below are 5 tips to help comfort a family member or friend who has miscarried. These tips are not limited to Mother’s Day, but such a  day can be triggering and especially hard. The fact is that 1 in 4 women miscarry, so it’s very likely that you know someone who is a mother of miscarriage. 

Mother’s Day after Miscarriage: 5 ways to Honor Mother’s of Miscarriage

1. Validate the Loss by Listening and Talking

The affects of miscarriages are often misunderstood because they are not openly discussed. Miscarriages are perceived as a woman getting a positive pregnancy test, and then having a menstrual cycle. Miscarriages are nothing like a regular period. It is physically and emotionally painful.  Women are immediately emotionally tied to their pregnancy; because they are in fact carrying a life. On Mother’s Day, lead by asking a mother of miscarriage how she feels, and let her know that it is ok to be vulnerable with you. Try to get her away from the “I’m okays” and if needed, be the shoulder that she can cry on. Actually listen to what she says and understand that her pain is real. 

Avoid the cliché phrases of “ it happened for a reason”, and definitely don’t tell her “at least it happened early”. In fact, avoid all “at least” phrases. Also avoid telling her that “this is common” because no matter how common something is, it still hurts. Allow her to feel her pain, and just comfort it by understanding and being there. Sometimes people mean well and say what they think is positive. But when someone is grieving, cliché positive comments actually make the person feel more alone and misunderstood.

2. Memorial Jewelry or Gift

  Women who miscarry hold a special place in their hearts for their angel babies. Dates such as, the month of pregnancy, the month of miscarriage, and the expected due date, become memorable. The love for the angel baby outweighs the loss of the pregnancy and memorial gifts such as jewelry, keepsake boxes, or any memorial item makes great gifts. The jewelry can range from a necklace, ring, bracelet or earrings. Our angel babies are a part of our lives and jewelry is a physical way to honor their memory. You can find great memorial jewelry at https://everydaywithchristian.com/products/. I wear one of my Tricolor Crystal Bracelets everyday. The bracelets have significant meaning and the charms relate to my story.

3. Get her Flowers or some form of recognition

Miscarriages often happen in silence; meaning, the loss is not shared with many. Usually , it is only shared with close family and friends. Some miscarriages occur after a pregnancy announcement which leaves the parents to fell like they need to announce the miscarriage. Women receive the sympathy texts after a miscarriage announcement. That same sympathy is generally not carried into triggering days such as Mother’s Day. This is why I recommend honoring her by gifting her flowers. The flowers further validate that although her journey to motherhood is not physically obvious, you understand that she has conceived and carried a life.

4. Allow her to choose how to spend the Day

Mother’s Day occurs on the second Sunday in May. Many traditionally begin the day at a church or house of worship service because it falls on a Sunday. At church, mothers are recognized by standing and receiving applause or they are given roses . This can be a triggering moment for mother’s of miscarriage, because although they carried a child, they may not be recognized and can be overlooked. They could be overlooked because the Parishioner was not aware of the miscarriage. Or because they do not recognize her as a mother. Either way, it still hurts and creates anxiety and sadness surrounding the loss.

To avoid her mental disturbance, let her choose how to spend the day. Maybe she would like to set out on an early morning hike, to help her avoid all of the social media posts and keep her mental clarity. She could opt to sleep in late and go for a nice brunch. Even if she chooses to go to a house of worship, give her the acknowledgements discussed  above (bullet points 1,2, & 3). She will feel loved and understood if you honor her loss before she heads out into the world, especially if this is the first Mother’s Day after loss.

5. Be present

Regardless of how you feel, be kind. Lead with love. Recognize when someone is not okay and comfort them. Don’t shy away from someone who feels sad because you don’t know how to deal with it. Instead, sit there with her and offer hugs. Let her lay on you. Just, be there.

 I’m not saying that you should avoid your own mother or avoid celebrating other mothers on the day. But I am saying, don’t intentionally leave just to get away. Don’t avoid her because you think she should be over it. Treat her the same as you would treat someone who is grieving the loss of their mom, because she is grieving the loss of her baby and pregnancy. She is grieving the loss of “motherhood’ as it is traditionally celebrated. Understand that Mother’s Day is triggering for her, just as it may be for someone whose mother has passed . Even if you can’t understand her, be there.