Everyday With Christian
Pursuing Life: Living through Miscarriage, Infertility, and Pregnancy Loss
What I Do
Infertility, miscarriage, and pregnancy loss are heartbreaking occurrences that some of us endure. The decision to start a family and conceive a child is expected to be joyful and exciting time, but the reality is that for some of us, the process has ended in grief and become mentally taxing. I believe that together, we can inspire one another in the process of pursuing life. Infertility and Pregnancy loss often creates a sense of loneliness while grieving because it is a topic that is not talked about much and it is overall misunderstood. We can make a difference by sharing our experience: the highs, the lows, how we are getting through, or whatever is on your heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I Inspire.
Have you decided that you are ready to begin trying to conceive again or will soon begin an IVF cycle? Great! I know that the process may cause anxiety and fear, but have faith because the chances for a successful pregnancy are high. I have had a full term pregnancy after enduring a miscarriage and know first hand the associated emotions . If you are ready to try again, check out more stories by clicking on the link below.
I Write.
I decided to began journaling after experiencing two miscarriages. I wanted to start a family, and although I was able to conceive, I was unable to carry the pregnancy full term. I found myself feeling sad, angry, confused, and a sense of loneliness began to consume me. I was no longer myself and I found writing as an outlet to release my emotions. Once I write something, I can read it again, acknowledge why I feel that way, and try to understand it. This process motivated me to start this blog and community.
I Comfort.
Infertility and Pregnancy Loss often causes grief that is often suffered in silence. Women are excited to share their pregnancy announcements, but if the pregnancy ends, it can cause feelings of heartbreak, doubt, shame, and anxiety. I completely understand the pain and confusion related to miscarriage and I am a vessel for others to lean on in their time of need. I am someone who is very close to my husband and parents, and while they are here to support me, I feel more comfort when I speak with women who have gone through this pain. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to me via email at [email protected] because I am here for you!
Need to talk?
Feel free to email me about anything. If you would like to share your story, have a question, want to talk, or need a prayer, I am here for you.
My Story
I experienced my first miscarriage during my first pregnancy in 2018. I learned that I was pregnant in February 2018 and was immediately filled with love, joy and excitement. I was excited because my husband and I decided that we wanted to extend our family during our new year planning so it felt like a dream come true. It brought me joy because in January 2018, I lost one of my closest friends to a car accident. That sudden and unexpected loss broke me to the core and I found myself sad, uninterested in anything, and just overall filled with grief. After losing my friend, the new year seemed to take a turn for the worst and I was no longer thinking about my resolutions or things that I planned. So when I saw a positive pregnancy test, I felt like maybe there was some hope for this year after all. I scheduled my doctor appointment and learned that my original OBGYN was out on maternity leave and for me that was a bummer because I adore being her patient, but I went ahead and scheduled with another OBGYN.
As the days were leading to the appointment, I was excited. I felt pregnant. I was fatigued, gassy, experienced food diversions, I could smell any and everything no matter how far I was from it, and I felt hungry all the time. For me, this was it, I was growing a healthy baby. We went to our first OBGYN appointment and because this was my first pregnancy, I didn’t know what to expect. We went into the office and the medical assistant (who was pregnant and beautifully glowing) took me to the ultrasound room where I laid down and let the ultrasound tech begin to poke around. And then I saw it clear as day, there were two separate sacs and me and my husband looked at each other so excited and said it looks like twins! But for some reason the ultrasound tech did not join into our excitement and just kept probing around. My husband began to ask her questions just to clarify that we saw twins and her response was short as she let us know that the doctor would fill us in on the specifics of the ultrasound. That didn’t feel right, but I knew what I saw and was ready to hear from the doctor. I mean this was my first time ever having an ultrasound done so maybe that’s just how it works.
As we rushed over to the doctor’s office, she sat us down and told us that the ultrasound did show twins and that we were spot on. But then came the news that I never even considered hearing…. “There was no heartbeat and they were only measuring to be 7 weeks when they should be closer to 10”. The room seemed to start spinning and my heartbeat began to race. I could feel my husband hugging me and squeezing my hand, but it felt like the air was being sucked out of the room and as if I was there alone. I quickly asked the doctor what that meant and if something could be done. She let me know that I was likely going through a miscarriage and that the pregnancy was not developing and that they could take blood weekly to measure my HCG level to confirm if this was the case. I didn’t understand. I still felt pregnant. I had not bled or anything that would make me think I miscarried. I went on to learn that it was a missed miscarriage and a blighted ovum. She explained that this was a common occurrence and that 1 in 4 women could experience miscarriage, but for me it didn’t seem like this was “common”. How was it common when I had never really heard of it outside of a movie scene. I didn’t know anyone personally that experienced that. Was something wrong with me? Could I possibly not be able to have children? I was only 27 at the time so maybe it was my husband’s fault. All of this went through my head as I then felt a need to understand why this happened because it “commonly” happens was not good enough for me.
I held out hope that maybe the doctor was wrong because I still haven’t experienced any sign of miscarriage. I looked at several online boards and would get excited when I saw a post about a successful heartbeat scan after previously being told there was no heartbeat. I really held out hope and had faith that I would also be an exception because I just could not accept what I had been told, especially because I still felt pregnant. But then it happened.
Exactly 4 weeks after my first appointment, I began to cramp and shortly after, the spotting began. The terror of what was happening sunk in and immediately became hopeless and was filled with sorrow. I felt like a failure. My body had failed me, my heart felt torn, and the physical pain cramping was unbelievable. As my body began to pass clots that were bigger than I had ever seen, I felt like I was being punished. What could I have done to deserve this? My emotions became a mix of anger and sadness. I felt like I didn’t deserve this because I have always given my best and treated people well, so none of this even made sense to me.
